Dear Woman on Social Media With A Hot Bikini Body…


You know who you are.  And I know I am not the first one to say HOW DARE YOU, MADAM.  You, with the audacity to possess breasts.  You, with the gall to have a perky little round butt.  You, with the chutzpah to have flat washboard abs.  How dare you not have the common decency to hide your body away from the public eye?!

The noive.

I mean, there are women out there with husbands who have eyes.  EYES, DO YOU UNDERSTAND?!  They might SEE you at some undetermined point in time!  And you, shameless hussy that you are, have the nerve to walk around on the same planet as other humans with nothing covering your body and protecting vulnerable husbands from the shameful thing that it is.

Oh what, you thought going to the beach or pool was supposed to be fun and relaxing?  How can I relax when I KNOW you’re going to be flaunting your boobs, butt, and flat perfect stomach around for all the world to see?  You should be totally uncomfortable in a hot, restrictive one-piece swimsuit, or a billowy tankini with a skirt, for MY comfort.  If you aren’t shaking your assets around in a skimpy bikini, then I can rest assured that my husband will remain faithful and have eyes only for me.

But listen, hottie.  Some women are married to guys who are dicks.  They relish every opportunity to leer at women in bikinis.  Heck, they leer at women in one-piece swimsuits.  Or sundresses.  Or shorts that don’t pass the fingertip test.  Or just any clothes in general.  You know whose fault that is?  YOURS.  Because you have the boobs and they know it.  They know what you’re working with under that 10-year old ratty t-shirt from your university.  You, with the legs brazenly sticking out of those cutoff sweatpants that you wear to do yardwork.  Why couldn’t you have put on some freaking pants before leaving the inside of your house?  But not tight pants, that wouldn’t do at all.  If you wear tight pants, a man might see the slight curve of your butt cheek and be forced to stare and think lewd thoughts about you.  Remember, any attention that you get from another person is YOUR FAULT, so you should dress in such a way that no man would ever find you attractive.

But if you’re going to vacation on Whore Island in your bikinis and halter tops, I’d really appreciate it if you would not document said vacation on Instagram and Facebook.  You see, I am married to a man, and because he has no control over his basest instincts, I am afraid that he will be overcome with primal lust at the very sight of your cleavage, and he will seek you out for procreation.  It’s also mandatory that he not only be on Instagram and Facebook, but that he follow you and view each and every one of your photos.  So I’m going to need YOU to step up and protect this man, who you have never met and likely will never meet, from himself.  You’re responsible for his thought life, after all.  This might mean you have to deal with not being in ANY photos from your vacation.  Feel free to post photos of the rest of your family at the beach (especially your former swim team captain husband, hubba hubba), but NEVER YOU IN A BIKINI.  People might start to doubt that you actually go on vacation with your family, but that’s a sacrifice I’m willing to make to guard my husband’s honor.  It’s your duty to him AND TO ME to never ever let him see that you have a better body than me because you went to the gym while I went to Krispy Kreme, mmmkay?  Because you’re making me insecure.

Oh yeah, that’s your fault too.  How I feel about my body is irrevocably tied to your body and how much of it you show off.  How can you deal with that kind of pressure, knowing that you are responsible for making men lust after you AND making women feel bad about themselves?  You’re really just not a good person, are you?  Don’t you know I’ve had two babies and there’s no way that you can understand how it feels to have your body wrecked by carrying and bearing children, never to recover again?

What’s that?  You just had your third last year?



I hope you enjoyed that little bit of satire.  I feel the need to point out that it was, in fact, satire because unfortunately I’ve seen so many posts in various places on the world wide intertubes saying these things.  Oh sure, the words are more flowery and we’re supposed to believe that the authors are coming from a place of concern and not of insecurity and judgment, but all I can see is women dripping with envy and jealousy while insisting that other women uphold their standards of modesty and virtue.

Newsflash:  It’s not all about you, pumpkin.

So you’re unhappy with your body.  You’re insecure.  I get it.  I do.  I’ve been there.  I AM there some days.  But you know what?  That’s not Gisele’s fault.  Beyonce didn’t come to my house and personally ridicule my body.  Kerri Jennings and Misti May-Treanor didn’t seek me out at the beach and laugh at me for not looking like them.  I am in charge of how I feel about myself.  Some days I could strut the catwalk with the best of them.  Some days I want to break every mirror in the house.  That is 100% on ME.

So tell me something.  That woman who had the nerve to wear a bikini in your presence, or post a photo of herself in said bikini on social media.  Would you feel any differently about yourself if she were in a one-piece?  She’d still have that rockin’ body and you wouldn’t.  And everyone would know it.  Is it still her fault that you’re unhappy?  Put her in a cover-up.  What about now?  Everyone still knows she’s fit.  How about a maxidress?  Look at how it hugs those curves.  Nope, that won’t work either.  Matter of fact, you’ve seen this woman look dead sexy in a loose-fitting cardigan and baggy boyfriend jeans.  So what can this woman possibly do to make you feel better about yourself?  Just not be thin in the same location as you on any given day?  Every woman thinner than you should just stay home whenever you decide to go to the pool or beach so your precious feelings don’t get hurt?  Well, what about billboards?  Magazine advertisements?  TV commercials?  Basically any form of visual entertainment and advertising medium is going to expose you to women with bodies far better than yours.  When are you launching your vendetta against industries that objectify women as a business model?

Or are you saving your ire concern for people who will actually see your cutting glances or read your words?

That woman who has struggled with her weight her entire life and finally found a diet and exercise plan that works for her.  She lost 75 pounds last year, and she should be able to show off the results of her hard work.

The mom who reclaimed her body after years of childbearing and putting the needs of her family above her own.

The young sheltered woman who is finally figuring out that her body is an amazing and beautiful thing after a lifetime of hiding and protecting herself from imaginary evils underneath layers of clothes because “daddy said all boys think I’m good for is sex”.

The curvy middle-aged lady with a few extra pounds, who people might think has no business wearing a bikini, and who finally had enough of letting other people tell her what she can and cannot wear and sports her bikini with a confidence most women would kill for.

Who are you to rain on their parade and blame them for your insecurities when they’ve overcome a boatload of their own?

Moreover, why do you think so poorly of your own husband?  You know your wedding vows didn’t mention anything about “until death do us part, as long as she keeps that rockin’ little body.”  Also, there were hotter women in existence when he met you.  There were hotter women in existence when he married you.  Guess what?  He still chose you.  So maybe try to look past his “maleness” and realize that he is the only one in control of his thoughts and feelings.  A woman in a bikini will not make him forsake his vows to you.  Conversely, some women are more visual creatures.  I am the first person to admit that I don’t mind seeing a nicely sculpted man walking down the beach, but I can’t even imagine blaming him for thinking dirty thoughts about him.  If my mind wanders somewhere it shouldn’t, that’s entirely on me.

And hey, if your husband is the type of man who gets all lathered up over a random woman in a bikini on Instagram, howsabout talking to him about how that makes you feel instead of placing all the blame on the woman for leading him astray.  Because social media isn’t mandatory.  He doesn’t have to check Instagram or Facebook if he doesn’t want to.  Nobody is prying his eyes open Clockwork Orange-style and forcing him to look at pictures of scantily clad women.  That’s his choice.  He chooses who to follow.  He can curate his social media experience to suit his preferences and your insecurities, if you insist upon it.

But let’s not feed into the culture of blaming women for men’s lack of control.  Women all over the world are blamed for their own rapes every day.  They MUST have been flirting with the guy (by merely walking down the street), or dressed inappropriately (in a baggy t-shirt and jogging pants on an afternoon run), or somehow given some indication that his sexual advances were welcome (by avoiding him, telling him to back off, or screaming NO).  So in addition to being held responsible for sexual assaults perpetrated against us, women are now completely in charge of policing a man’s potential for lustful thoughts?  Thoughts that happen INSIDE HIS HEAD??  Please tell me in what world that makes any sense.

I’ve been with my husband for nearly 11 years.  If he’s ever looked at another woman on the beach or at the pool, I have been blissfully unaware.  As far as I’ve ever seen, he has only had eyes for me.  And even if he does take a look from time to time, what of it?  He still leaves with me.  And I couldn’t even tell you the last time he logged onto Facebook or Instagram, so it’s obviously not compulsory.  He loves me and makes me feel beautiful every single day, and I never have to worry about him comparing me to another woman.  Because he’s not a dick.  Men are much more than a hunk of flesh being led around by the penis.  It’s time we start treating them as such, and that means admitting that they are ultimately responsible for their own thoughts and actions.

Ladies, instead of blaming other women for causing our marriages to crumble, let’s take it upon ourselves to seal up any cracks in the foundation before they deteriorate. Let’s deal with our own insecurities instead of letting other women take the blame for them.  How about we just live and let live and stop focusing so much on other people and how they make us feel, and work on being happy with ourselves.

Anyone can have a bikini body.  All you have to do is buy a bikini and put it on your body.  You should try it.  You might find that both you and your husband like what you see, and then women can hate on you for being too hot.  Isn’t that the highest form of flattery?

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