Spurred by Aunt Becky, I have decided to pull a John C. Mayer. I have thought long and hard about the target of this John C. Mayering. And whilst I was reading my Twitter feed, it hit me. Zachary Levi Pugh.
Oh, Zachary Levi Pugh. How do I love thee. One gaze upon your glorious visage, and the reasons are quite clear.
Zachary Levi Pugh, you are beautiful. From your deep chestnut locks to your warm toffee eyes, gorgeous smile and perfect white teeth, your tall thin frame that makes everything you wear look good. Yes, Zachary Levi Pugh, you are one tasty dish.
But Zachary Levi Pugh, your good looks are not the only thing that makes me declare my love for you on the internet. No, Zachary Levi Pugh, you are more than that. Zachary Levi Pugh, you are FUNNY. And Zachary Levi Pugh, your sense of humor and comedic timing are more attractive to me than your beautiful face.
And not only are you funny, Zachary Levi Pugh, but you seem like a genuinely nice person. Being from Louisiana, you exude that Southern Charm that makes women swoon. Zachary Levi Pugh, count me as one of your swoonees. You are a self-professed Christian, which makes you, Zachary Levi Pugh, extremely ballsy in this day and age. For a Hollywood actor to voluntarily say that they are of the Christian faith takes guts. As a Christian myself, I am proud of you, Zachary Levi Pugh. I hope that your example encourages actors of all faiths to be more outspoken about a subject that is so deeply personal.
While your body of work is small, Zachary Levi Pugh, I know that you have a bright future ahead of you. You won me over in your role as accidental CIA agent Chuck Bartowski in the TV show Chuck. I declared you my TV boyfriend during the first episode.
Your ability to play a bumbling, shy, nerdly computer geek in sharp contrast to your obvious good looks is what makes you, Zachary Levi Pugh, a great actor. How Sarah could ever resist Chuck Bartowski is completely beyond me. I have a fondness for slightly nerdy guys, and Chuck Bartowski would be right up my alley. I know you, Zachary Levi Pugh, are probably not very much like Chuck Bartowski in real life, but I like to think that you may have a few similarities.
But enough about Chuck Bartowski. For as much as I love Chuck Bartowski, it is the man behind the man that I am talking about today. That would be you, Zachary Levi Pugh. Can we go back to talking about how gorgeous you are? You could (and should) be a model. I would buy practically anything being sold by this face:
Cologne for my husband? Yes. Flank steak dress? Sure. Hemorrhoid cream? Of course. Steaming pile of dog poop? If the face of Zachary Levi Pugh is selling it, I am buying it. Zachary Levi Pugh, you are just that beautiful. Look at you. LOOK AT YOU!!
Ahem. Sorry, Zachary Levi Pugh. I seemed to have lost my head there for a moment. But Zachary Levi Pugh, all I say is true. Wow. I think I’ve just written the first verse of my tribute song to you, Zachary Levi Pugh.
Zachary Levi Pugh, if you read this, and you would like to send me an autographed picture of you, Zachary Levi Pugh, I would be honored and delighted to display it in my office and sing your praises for being such a nice, down-to-earth guy who has a great sense of humor and (hopefully) a tolerance for being John C. Mayered.
Zachary Levi Pugh, this John C. Mayer-ing is for you.